Here is a powerful snippet from “Beyond Dreamscape Conspiracy” when former Marine Force Recon Scout Sniper, Russell Carter, breaks down under the weight of his PTSD.
I chose to share this piece because it is essential to the character and is a good example of how wrecked he is emotionally by his affliction.
I especially like how the emotional interaction between Russ and Cara required no words to convey a powerful warrior’s anguish over where he feared his skills were taking him.
The trusting relationship that neither Russ nor Cara felt they deserved grows deeper as feelings are shared wordlessly.
Chapter 16 – Lab Rat
Russ entered the lab conference room, looking like he needed a good night’s sleep. Maybe it was more like a good night’s relief. Cara searched his eyes and saw a mix of pain, exhaustion, and something else, either confusion or desperation; she was unsure of anything beyond seeing a man struggling with something only he could feel.
His posture was anything but relaxed, and he seemed tensed like a spring under pressure, ready to run, a classic fight or flight trigger waiting to send him flying. She did not see him as a threat to her or himself, only as an injured animal.
Cara deduced that he needed an outlet to release the negative energy that was wearing him out just by standing there. She rose silently, watching his eyes search her face. Closing the conference room door behind him, Cara’s uncertainty melted away, and without a word, she took him into her arms and held him close. Close enough to feel his body begin shaking with deep sobs. Close enough to know she needed him as much as he needed her at that moment. Was that a momentary weakness, a chink in her armor, or her permitting herself to trust her gut?
They stood there for several minutes, saying nothing but communicating the urgency of their connection through their embrace. Nothing needed to be said, and that slowly served as a balm for his anguish. His sobs slowly diminished into a gentle calm as he relaxed into her embrace. They separated slowly, and Cara wiped tears off his cheeks with both hands, her eyes moist from feeling his pain. She looked deeply into his eyes, shifting her gaze from one eye to the other, and whispered, “Better?”
“Yes,” he said, taking her face in both hands and kissing her mouth with salty, tear-stained lips. Cara’s knees were on the verge of buckling as she kissed him back, both hands wrapping around his waist. The power of their kiss was fresh with thoughts of how close they had come to losing each other through the violence of the last few days. Neither did they choose to linger on those thoughts, but there was no escaping how they felt and how much they feared losing the other. Russ lifted away from her lips and smiled, saying, “Better?”
They both burst out laughing at the absurdity of his question, echoing her only word spoken since he had walked into the conference room. A cleansing laugh drained off so many concerns, highlighting how in tune each was with the other. The receding torrent of emotions released them to think about all the things they needed to discuss.
Cara broke the silence. “What would you like to talk about? I know you’ve been busy, and I’ve been worried about you, so my ears are yours for as much or as little as you’d like to share.”
And Russ shared. He shared it all, including that he vomited in the woods in overwhelming disgust after killing the assassin who had been trying to end him and Zack. That had never happened to him before. The nightmare of the 12-year-old Afghan girl had revisited him last night, too, which contributed significantly to his exhaustion, and he fell silent after divulging the nightmare’s visit.
Russ sat back in his chair and silently fidgeted with his hands in his lap. “I’m so tired,” he said finally, barely above a whisper. “I’m so tired of killing. I’m so afraid that it seems to be becoming so easy…no…too easy. Puking in the woods told me I could no longer fight it. I must do something about what’s happening inside me before it destroys me.”
Cara smiled, took his hands in hers, and said, “The first step of dealing with your problems is admitting that you have them. That’s not a failure on your part; it’s you telling yourself that enough is enough. Feeling exhausted is a sign that something must change.
You told me once that we can deal with our problems if we face them honestly and confront them head-on. Russell, you are showing acute symptoms of PTSD, and knowing that gives us a basis to treat it.”
As much as he tried to fight it, tension coiled inside Russ.
“I know I have PTSD; my shrink at the VA diagnosed it several years ago and put me on some meds that changed who I was. I hated it and swore that I would never put poison into my body to attack the poison in my mind.”
He paused and looked at her. “I’ve never told you about my condition because I was afraid of…of confirming in your eyes that I was damaged goods. I don’t want to have you look at me with pity or sorrow because I’m suffering.
Russ continued, “Oddly, Carly’s situation and betrayal had been a welcome distraction. When she kicked me to the curb, the distraction of the relationship, as shitty as it was, went away and exposed me to the lingering stuff of my PTSD.”
His head hung low, and he fought back another deep sob.
“If I can distract myself with life’s activities, I no longer spend time thinking about my brokenness. Joining the dream study initially gave me something to look forward to. Then, becoming part of the team added more positive activity, and that would’ve been enough therapy to help me become solid again.
Then the killing began, and yes, I know it was nothing like Afghanistan, but that’s not the point. The point was how easy it was, and the act of killing becoming so easy invited the nightmares back, and that little girl. I promised myself I was done with it after her. Done with killing, and I’ve betrayed my promise several times in the last week.”
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Beyond Dreamscape Conspiracy – https://amzn.to/3NjyVqn
Video Trailer for Book #2 – https://bit.ly/4nsTCQV