Work the Grief Bucket
Last Thursday in GriefShare, we went over the module on Regret. Besides Anger, this was a tricky topic to cover. As a writer, I am guilty of speaking in word pictures and used a bucket metaphor to create vivid imagery. It seemed to hit home with some of our participants when I told a couple of them when they left, “Work on your buckets this week.” Faces smiled and heads nodded, so at least they heard the words. I pray they work their buckets.
What do GriefShare participants all have in common? Grief over the loss of a loved one, but the details are personal and private, making it tough to share sometimes. That challenges grievers and facilitators alike because those details are so private and personal. Last week, I suggested each participant take their grief moments of regret where Guilt, Shame, and Hopelessness cover their hearts with darkness, and toss them into their personal Grief Bucket.
If participants journal, write each moment on a small card and add it to the bucket. If journaling is not desirable, still write them down in your head and heart. Either way, confront those moments, name them instead of avoiding or ignoring them. Throw them in your bucket. Then work the bucket.
How do you work the bucket? Pull out a card or mental moment, consider it prayerfully, and ask, “Lord, is this on me? Is this a real regret I need to own?” If nothing you could’ve done or said makes a difference in your loss, it’s False Grief. Take it out of the bucket and discard it. If you don’t work the bucket, as buckets do when they get full, they overflow. The overflow leads to isolation and ultimately depression. It is essential to protect your head and heart. Work the bucket.
Name those moments that trigger GUILT – “If only I had done this or that…” where we shoulder blame for falling short of preventing the passing of a loved one. Name those moments that trigger SHAME – “I could’ve… should’ve…would’ve…” conversations between head and heart. Name moments of HOPELESSNESS – “I don’t know how I can survive without them…or…I can’t go on.” Those things are in your bucket, which is in your head and your heart, all internal to your loss. That doesn’t make it any easier, but it does give you one place to examine each moment and determine if it’s something you need to carry to perpetuate your grief or not. Work the bucket.
Legitimate grief is not your fault, and cannot be ignored, but it is something to forgive yourself for clinging to so fiercely. You cannot move on from it, but you can respect legitimate grief and move on with it. Grief is not going away, but will lessen over time as you heal. Grief remains with you and leaves scars that will always be there, and thank God for them – to remind us of those joyful memories, to keep close.
Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself. Work the bucket.
Peace! G.