Big Crow’s calm demeanor distracted Kat from her hurt and disappointment from Maddie’s tirade and accusations from their phone conversation. She knew he was a spirit, but there was an attraction that became deeper every time they met. In all honesty, the smell of his smoke caused her days to brighten and her heart to beat a little faster. Sure, he was 161 years old, but his murder stopped the clock on his aging at 29 years. Despite the long gray hair and crumpled top hat, there was something that drew her to him incessantly. Kat initially dreaded his smokey arrivals, but now his presence gave her a sense of completeness she had never known. She had never found herself this deep into a relationship before and could not explain how she had gotten into this one, especially since he was not human. How deep could it go? How deep should it go?
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Chapter #19 – Deeper Still
Big Crow’s deep baritone voice rumbled, “Hello, Katherine.”
Kat attempted awkwardly to untangle from the throw and return fully upright but did neither very well. Finally, when she was on her feet, she approached Big Crow with every intent to hug him and bury her face into his coat, but she paused and looked up at him. When she searched his face, it seemed like it was the first time she actually looked and fell headfirst into the depths of his most incredible brown eyes gleaming with the sparkle of life. The pause lasted momentarily, long enough for her eyes to search his deeply tanned face. The deep lines framed his mouth like chiseled strength, belying his age and not revealing the passage of 161 years.
“May I hug you, Crow?”
“You may, Katherine,” said Crow, his white teeth flashed behind his smile and he opened his arms to her.
Kat fell forward and wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his chest and breathing in his scent. Realization dawned on her that there was more to this man than his smoke. A rude reminder popped into her head when her mind slipped a gear to Maddie asking if she’d been in his topcoat yet. No, Kat had not been in his topcoat and had not thought about getting into his topcoat, but her arms tightened around this tall man’s solid, slender frame and sensed more lay hidden inside that wool coat. His arms wrapped around her, and he rested his chin on Kat’s head. Her hands slipped up his back to his shoulder blades, and she felt muscles flex as powerful arms pulled her closer to him. She felt like being in his arms was right where she wanted to be but did not know why.
“Crow?” she whispered into his chest. “Are you real?”
“Yes, Katherine, in this manifestation, I am who I am right now. I am the man you see.” They broke their embrace, and he moved back a half-step, holding her shoulders in his hands. “Who I choose to show you, and what you see is real to the touch, but there is another manifestation you cannot see, and that is my spirit being, and that same spirit being lives in you, too, in your blood.”
“I don’t understand. I’ve never felt any presence of a spirit, even when you say Dew on Flowers came to me when I dreamed of her murder,” said Kat, her head full of questions. “Where do these spirits come from? How do you know I have it? How did my spirit come to you?” She paused and had a look of bewilderment on her face. “I don’t know what to believe. You stand here with me now, and I can embrace your body one minute, and the next, you will disappear in a wisp of smoke. You say you took me into what you call a spiritual realm, and most of that time is blank. I cannot remember most of it, and I couldn’t see any of it with blurry vision. How did you do that? Was what I experienced real, or did it all happen in my head?” She searched his eyes and pleaded, “I need to know, Crow.”
He nodded, “We went into a spiritual dimension unseen by everyone except those with the spirit connection we share in our blood. You see, my spirit was released from my physical body into the realm on November 11, 1864, when I was murdered during the Sand Creek massacre as a young man. Many lives were disrupted on that day. Some destined to continue their lives together, like Dew on Flowers and Shadow Eagle, never had the chance. As the tribal medicine man, I had a powerful spirit and responsibility, and my death did not change anything when my spirit was released into the realm and defined by the prophecy to complete those destinies. That journey required that I search for a suitable duwit chonah mowna jawneek to carry the spirit of Dew on Flowers to complete her destiny with Shadow Eagle. That is when I found you in your dream.”
Kat slowly shook her head, hearing but not understanding, “Why did you wait so long? It’s been over 150 years, and I’m only 28. Why me? Why now?”
“I searched for many years, Katherine, but found no others with the bloodline who were as pure as you, and none had the strength of character I found in your blood necessary to complete the prophecy. Carrying the spirit seed of Shadow Eagle to complete the prophetic link with Dew on Flowers was only part of fulfilling the prophecy. You had to have the strength of character to be a strong birth mother and a decent human being. I know it has not been easy for you, but you persevered. You should be honored to be the only person suitable to be duwit chonah mowna jawneek.”
Kat fell silent as she searched his eyes for something she could believe. She knew it was safe to be with him, so fear was not part of the equation, but uncertainty lingered. For some reason, his words struck her deeply. Emotions surged, her uncertainty began to melt, stepping closer, her arms wrapped around him again, and she whispered through fresh tears, “Why do I love you?”
Big Crow held her close, and his voice rumbled in his chest. “Katherine, your feelings can be deceiving when emotions run high. I am fond of you, in addition to being your protective shepherd during this pregnancy.”
Did he just say fond? FOND? Her mind heard the words and fought through instant disappointment that he did not confess that he loved her back. And he said something else that disturbed her and gave her pause to reflect. During this pregnancy? Was all this temporary? Will he evaporate in smoke and leave her after the baby is born? Had she been an emotional fool even to say she loved him? She held him tighter and cried tears mixed with hurt feelings and a betrayal that had not even happened. Strength of character, he said. Hah! There was no evidence of strength of any stripe in the tears soaking his topcoat, and Kat was more angry at herself than Big Crow. The anger of imagining things that had not even happened began to percolate, and she pushed away from the embrace and asked, “So, why are you here, Crow?”
Big Crow remained silent and fixed his eyes on hers as though measuring a safe response when her emotions were scattered. When he finally spoke, it was a truth she was not ready to hear, “Katherine, I appreciate your feelings, and I can tell they are important to you. The last thing I want to do is encourage your feelings of love when there is no way for me to reciprocate. I am a spirit. You are human. There cannot be a relationship deserving enough to move deeper into an impossible situation. My role is complete when the baby is born, and I will return to the realm.”
“So you will just leave?” she asked. “Why can’t you stay?”
“This is not my world. I have eternal life in the realm as a spirit. Having a relationship with you cannot happen,” he explained.
“That sounds a little hokey, Crow. Dew on Flowers and Shadow Eagle have a relationship. The spirit of the child in my womb has a relationship that involves both of them and me directly. You’ve already taken me into the realm, so what’s the problem? Been there, done that. Why can’t I and the baby come with you?”
“Katherine, you are human, not spirit. You visited as a human when I took you through the threshold, but you could not remain there as a human.”
“Hold on, you’re standing here…as a human…telling me I could not stay in the realm, but here you are in the human world. That makes no sense,” challenged Kat.
“For you and the baby to come with me when I return to the realm, you would need to transition to a spirit,” he said, “and…”
Kat kept the pressure on and interrupted him, “So what’s wrong with that?”
He reached out and held her upper arms gently, “Once you transition to a spirit, there is no way to return to your human world to live. You just said I was standing here as a human…well, I’m not exactly human. I am human-like in this manifestation, but I could never live in this world when my home is in the spirit realm.”
“So it’s possible. I could go with you and bring the baby too,” she said, trying to make her case.
“Yes, it is possible, but why would you, Katherine?”
Kat threw her hands up in exasperation and asked angrily, “Why wouldn’t I, Crow? Having you in my life is a power I can touch and feel, and that’s enough for me.”
“Why wouldn’t you?” he repeated, “Katherine, answering that question is why I’m here now. If you remember, there are powers in the blood you inherited generations ago. Part of my job as your shepherd is to tell you what those powers are and how to live with them. No other human will have them, giving you a significant advantage over someone who does not. With those powers come responsibility. You could potentially overreach in scenarios with your powers that would alienate you. To another human, you would be a freak of nature, someone potentially dangerous, and the same is true for your son as he grows. There are risks in not knowing what you have gained, and once you understand the gifts, the question you asked…why wouldn’t I …will change to…why would I ever want to leave this world?
Kat said nothing initially, then, “Why? Because you would not be in this world with me.” A tremor in her lower lip and a single tear punctuated her fear of losing Big Crow with Little Feet.
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I hope you enjoyed chapter #19! The story keeps coming, and I’m still writing, so this work in progress may become a novel one day. I’ll continue to share each chapter as I tire of editing, so keep checking back. I would love to know your thoughts so far at gdogwise@live.com Enjoy the read!
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